Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Internet Dating - Part Two

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. "Six months without smoking and three STONE of weight put on??? (Fat cow!). Bet you didn't show that on YOUR profile pictures!" No, you're damn right I didn't! However, in my defense, your Honour, I did tell the ugly munter that I was hefting a load  around! I was upfront and honest. I do still have an hourglass figure, it just happens to be a bit of a bigger, more generous hourglass than it was! I also informed him that my hair was a different colour - isn't it always??? I got into hair colour quite late in life so I have thousands of treatments to try and change, before my hair turns to straw or falls out.

The whole issue of honesty comes rearing its ugly head on internet dating sites. The pictures for a bloody start. How old are they? Are they actually you? There should be more than one. They should be clear! Not fuzzy. I don't mind the odd pic that's obviously years old, as long as there's a recent one to show you how the aging process has changed the person. Have they aged well? Are they recognisable as themselves? Would their own mother be able to pick them out of a identikit book using the photo on their profile? If not, DON'T use it!

Obviously, we're all human and we all want to come across looking our best. We are, after all, trying to find a mate, even if we're no longer interested in procreating with this mate, we want to fancy them and be fancied in return, so we post good photos of ourselves, not the ones where we're off our tits drunk. Or asleep on the sofa after a huge roast, snoring our piggin' heads off and dribbling. Or the ones of us gurning. DO YOU SEE THIS DAVEYBOY62??? Not a good look! By all means, put your suit on, a clean shirt, have a shave or tidy up your beard, and...here comes the deal breaker, SMILE! Yes, gentlemen, smile at the camera, make the prospective love of your life see what a friendly, joyful, cheeky, happy chap you are. If I had a pound for every scowling, scary and furious looking man I have come across, I'd have £678. I've only been on it for 2 weeks.
Internet Dating - Blind Dating - Speed Dating - Any Dating - Gotta be Good, Right?

So, hi there. Here's the background so far...I'm 46, 6 foot tall, and quite a bit overweight, due to giving up smoking and regular sex (threw my DP out at the same time as the fags) about 6 months ago. Gave myself 6 months to get over the nicotine cravings without worrying about the additional weight that Mother Nature was going to bestow on me. That 6 months is now up. The bitch decided that 3 stone was a nice round number. So, here I am, a clean lunged, fat arsed, middle aged woman.

There are also issues regarding the ex. Many issues. Harder to give up than the fags - didn't sneak the odd smoke once the 'stop' day was done, but DID keep creeping back for a shag. NOT GOOD. Either for morale or self esteem. Let's just say, I could give 70% chocolate a run for its money regarding the bitter stakes! More like 85% plus. I feel contempt for myself for feeling this bitter. I keep telling myself to 'GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!' Yes, shouting at myself. Anyway, this episode is not about the ex, that mind-games player, two faced, forked tongued, lying, deceitful, disloyal, thoughtless, witless, brainless, dickless shit. No, it's about the next stage. Internet dating.

Yesterday, I went on a blind date. Blind, as in I had never seen the man before. Except in pictures on his profile. Now, two main points here. One, being blind would have been a wonderful advantage, as he was a prize munter! Looked nothing like the man in the photos. For starters, his eyes, which were sunken, watery and like slightly off eggs, didn't look in the same direction. One was looking at me, the other one was looking for me. I had to do a complete 'what a lovely present, you shouldn't have!' face, while thinking 'OMG, he's seen me and it's too late to jump back in the car and run away!' Rough, didn't do him justice. Dragged through a hedge, across a busy motorway, through a field or two, shaved by a blind man with a spoon and dressed via the catapult method, resulted in a man who looked disheveled, dirty and OLD!!! Secondly, what dark arts did he use to portray himself as trendy, fresh and good looking? Photoshop? Himself, but 15 years ago? Another person? I'm sorely tempted to contact Trading Standards and complain.